


Without Armor

by Daisukino



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Comfort, F/M, Nightmares
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-09
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:54:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24631156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daisukino/pseuds/Daisukino
Summary: Kaz has a nightmare. Inej is there to comfort him.
Relationships: Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa
Comments: 7
Kudos: 109





	Without Armor

**Author's Note:**

> am i 5 years late to this party? yes. will i let that stop me? absofruitly not

Kaz is freezing.

He’s in the canal, desperately thirsty, surrounded by water that he can’t drink and is waiting to drown him. The moonless, cloudy night sky makes the water black and ominous, as if there were monsters lying just beneath the surface, waiting for him to stop moving; waiting to reach out and grab him, tear him to pieces or swallow him whole.

He thinks that eternal death would be more merciful than this moment in life.

He’s holding onto Jordie’s lifeless body. He won’t look down at it—he never can in these dreams—so he focuses on the lit harbor ahead. He sees a coffee shop, its large windows spilling out warm yellow light from the lanterns inside. He can see a woman sitting at a table with her daughter, smiling as they drink hot chocolate. The young girl had a red ribbon in her hair. In the back, he sees a figure of a man. He’s standing in the back of the shop, too far to get a detailed look, but Kaz knows it’s Rollins. He’s overcome with the flame of white-hot anger and sneers at him, wishing he were at shore to rip him apart.

He redoubles his efforts, finding a steady rhythm to kick his legs. They feel like pure lead, the frigid water of the harbor seeping down into his bones and numbing his body. 

Well, most of his body.

Under his palms, he can feel Jordie’s flesh. His skin is bloated and stretched to accommodate the gases building up inside of him. He’s cold and stiff, and Kaz could smell the death of the other bodies in the barge wafting from him. If he focused too hard on any of those things, he could feel nausea rolling through his body, trying to empty his stomach. If he threw up, he’d lose what little hydration he still had in his system and would be too weak to continue. So instead he stared at the figures in the coffee shop window, letting hatred be his guide with Jordie as his raft.

But no matter how much he kicked, no matter how long he focused, they never got any closer to the harbor. There weren’t any waves or currents pushing them back—but Kaz knew they would never make it to shore. It made him hate Rollins even more, hate that he had to watch him sit with his fake family in comfort while they watched him suffer, clinging to his dead brother’s body for life. He hated that they would never help him. He hated that they had put him there.

Kaz thought about giving up. Letting go and hoping the monsters he imagined under the surface would be real so that he could have a quick death. But something stubborn in him wouldn’t let him give up.

“Ka-az.”

Jordie’s voice croaked his name, low and dry and broken, and Kaz froze, still staring straight ahead at Rollins in the shop. A million thoughts flew through his mind; how could Jordie be alive? Was something else really in the water? Was Kaz losing his mind? Had Jordie come back to finish the job he’d started with Rollins?

“Kaz,” Jordie rasped again, one stiff arm reaching out of the water and stretching towards the hands Kaz had placed on his stomach.

Kaz swallowed hard. He slowly dragged his gaze from the harbor, lower to the black water, eyes trailing down, down, down, until he looked at Jordie’s swollen hand touching his own. The feel of it was dreadful, but the sight of it cemented the revulsion in his mind, and he felt a strong wave of nausea roll through him.

Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to look over to Jordie’s face.

Jordie’s face.

It was swollen and every color from light blue to dark purple to yellow to green. His cheeks puffed out and forced his eyes partially shut. His eyes were glossed over, his irises gray with the milky color covering his corneas. His lips were blue and cracked. Kaz could barely recognize him.

“Kaz. You let me die,” Jordie accused, face expressionless. “And now you’re just using me. Again.”

Kaz didn’t know how to respond. He was frozen, a child paralyzed with fear and mourning and anger. 

“How can you just keep using me. Over and over. Why didn’t you ever help me.” Jordie’s voice was grating against Kaz’s ears, his words like rough sandpaper against his brain.

They stared at each other.

And then Jordie moved, fast as lighting, grabbing his arms and dragging him down into the water. The lights of the harbor disappeared as the water rushed up to meet him, trying its best to enter his lungs. He held his breath as Jordie’s body sunk like a stone, dragging them deeper and deeper. It was pitch black, but somehow Kaz could clearly see Jordie’s face staring right at him.

“You did this to me, Kaz. You leeched off of me, bleeding me dry. I only took the deal with Jakob to provide for you. And now look where we are.”

Kaz opened his mouth to talk, but all that happened was the water coming in as bubbles escaped, drifting upwards. He felt Jordie’s fat hands tighten over his wrists, bringing his attention back down. The contact made goosebumps break out over his arms, and he felt the desperate need to jump out of his own skin to avoid the touch.

“And then you spend all that time plotting a revenge against Jakob, but he’s still alive. He’s still alive! And I’m dead, Kaz!” Jordie’s neutral expression twisted into anger, brows furrowing and mouth snarling into a frown.

Kaz was running out of oxygen, but Jordie didn’t seem like he was going to relent soon. Kaz tried to struggle, but it was useless; Jordie was strong, and Kaz was numb from the cold and exhausting swim. His vision started to blur around the edges.

“When are you going to do right by me, Kaz?”

Kaz couldn’t hold his breath any longer. He opened his mouth, the water rushing in as if it were reaching into his body. Instead of a liquid it felt like Jordie’s own dead puffy flesh, forcing itself down his throat and into his lungs, suffocating him, touching him, killing him—the water around him took on the same disgusting texture, rubbing against him everywhere, surrounding him in a prison of skin on dead skin—

Kaz shot up in bed, gasping, his heart hammering in his chest. He took in his surroundings in a quick second; it was dark, the room lit by the waxing half moon outside. There was a nightstand to his right with a glass of water and a nesting doll, a trinket from Kuwei from his travels in Ravka. On the left wall was a curtained window, and next to it, a small vanity dresser. On the wall to the right were two wooden dressers standing side by side. And next to him in the king bed was Inej.

She was on her side, hands tucked under her pillow, looking up at Kaz through her long dark eyelashes, eyes half open from being roused in the middle of the night. Her thick, black hair was fanned on the pillow behind her.

He turned his gaze away from her, looking forward at a picture on the far wall. Wylan’s mother had painted a few pieces for them that they’d hung around the house. In their bedroom they had a beautifully realistic image of the Ice Court during Hringkalla, Fjerda’s snowy tundra in the background glowing with the party lights of the festival. An inside joke for the both of them. He focused on taking deep breaths, trying to bring his pulse down to a reasonable pace.

“What do you need?” She asked softly, voice low and raspy with sleep. Neither of them were deterred by the other suddenly waking up from a nightmare; they both had too many demons to expect sound sleep every night. The first few times had been awkward—they were still getting used to each other, not sure of the boundaries still in place or how exactly to comfort the other. But soon, they’d fallen into the habits of their previous professional relationship; open and honest communication, with a healthy dose of bluntness. They didn’t need to ask whether the other was okay; they both knew the answer to that. Instead, they asked what the other needed. They didn’t say, “Do you need a hug? Do you need space? Would you like to talk about it? Do you want me to tell you a story? Do you want to get a snack? Do you want fresh air? Do you want a drink? Do you want to be by yourself? Do you want a distraction?” It said all of these things and a million more. But more importantly, it was a promise that whatever the answer, the other understood and would try their best to give it to them.

Kaz looked back at her. She was snuggled comfortably beneath the blankets, a small tired smile playing at her lips. She’d insisted on the most expensive, lavish, largest bed at the store. She said the beds at Wylan’s mansion had spoiled her, and she couldn’t go back to anything but the height of luxury. They were used to spending their money wisely, habitually resisting the urge to overindulge, but she wouldn’t back down on this one. Kaz had made her buy it with her own money, saying he didn’t want to waste his on such a frivolous thing, but she had enough to buy it… about twenty thousand times over, so. And Kaz begrudgingly had to admit, it was well worth the money.

He heaved a heavy sigh and fell back into his pillow, staring up the ceiling. Kaz was thinking on Inej’s offer, but he knew he needed to say something soon. If he didn’t, she’d slip right back into sleep.

“I need.” He paused for a long while. In the Barrel, willingly admitting to your vulnerabilities was as good as a death sentence. Even with everything they’d been through, everything they’d shared, opening himself up to Inej proved to be a challenge. But she’d said she wanted him without armor or not at all. And piece by piece, he’d dropped his protection, wanting to show her that he cared. That he loved her enough to try.

“I want... I want to be… close to you. But I can’t touch you.” He wanted her to wrap him in her arms, to hold him close and adore him, but he knew any skin contact tonight would send him rushing to the toilet to empty the contents of his stomach.

But Inej understood. Kaz knew she’d felt similarly in previous nights, after nightmares of devil customers from the menagerie torturing her, using her, hurting her. The worst was always the man who’d said he seen her show, who insisted on recalling every detail of the night as he took her. That one was her own personal hell; she woke up sweating and trembling, sometimes sobbing and gasping, sometimes quietly shaken. But it and always left her wanting a bit of extra affection from Kaz.

“Okay,” she drawled. “Hold you close. But no touching.” She yawned. “I can do that.” She yanked the thick duvet off of both of them, to Kaz’s surprise. Then she grabbed the thin sheet resting on her chest and pulled it up higher until it covered her body from the beginning of her neck down. She lifter her arms, the sheet still covering them, and reached them out to Kaz, offering him to come closer.

He skeptically raised an eyebrow but ultimately gave in, too tired and riled to fight. “Thanks. I love cuddling with the sheet monster.” But his quip had no bite, and he quickly settled down, resting his head on her chest and placing an arm on either side of her. With her sheet arms, Inej grabbed the comforter and brought it back over both of their bodies, sighing at the warmth and wiggling her toes. She then wrapped her arms around Kaz, slowly stroking his back as she unconsciously hummed an old Suli lullaby her mom sang to her as a child.

Kaz melted into her, holding her close and appreciating her ingenuity. His Wraith was able to adapt to anything; he swears he could tell her to steal a royal crown, give her only a stick and a day, and she would have it by nightfall.

He listened to her heartbeat, as steady and calm as she was. Her humming reverberated in her chest and vibrated against his face, but it only added to the comfort. He could feel himself calming down, just being near her enough to steady himself.

“I dreamt of Jordie again,” he spoke after a long while. Inej gave a small hum of acknowledgement, and Kaz knew she didn’t want to pry too much tonight. But he wanted to open up to her. He wanted to prove that her staying with him hadn’t been a mistake; that he could be the man she wanted him to be. That one day, she would see him without so much as a thimble of protection.

“It was the night I escaped the barge. We were swimming towards the harbor and he started… blaming me for his death. Saying that he only took the deal with Rollins because he was trying to take care of me.”

Inej hummed again, slowly and thoughtfully. She reached a sheet covered hand to hover over Kaz’s head, a silent question.

“Yeah,” he murmured, and she brought a hand from under the sheet, stroking her fingers through his hair. They’d found that while touching skin still occasionally repulsed him, his hair offered enough protection from direct contact that Inej could still reach him there. Only Inej, though. (And occasionally Jesper, if Kaz were drunk enough.)

Kaz felt himself further relaxing into her touch and she carded her clever fingers through his dark locks. After a moment, Inej spoke. 

“Jordie would’ve taken that deal even if you weren’t with him. You can’t blame a child being taken advantage of by a monster. And you can’t blame a child for believing in his protector to do the right thing.”

She was right, but Kaz felt every way except forgiving about what had happened. Grief, regret, anger, sadness, injustice. Inej had slipped into Rollin’s country house one day, had done or said something to him that made him move far away from Ketterdam, but obviously Jordie was still not satisfied. Or at least, Kaz wasn’t.

“I know. It’s hard to let go. I know I blamed Jordie for a long time. And maybe I still do. I don’t know how to move on. I’m putting all my anger into making Rollins suffer, but I’m—” he paused, this next part especially difficult to admit. “I’m afraid that even once I’ve taken everything from him, that still won’t be enough. What do I do then?”

His heart rate had picked back up, the anger and regret melting away to reveal something raw deep at his center: fear. Saying it out loud to Inej was like holding his chin up with a knife pressed against his neck. But she’d proven time and time again that she could hold even the sharpest blade up to his skin and not cut him. 

“Often, once revenge has been executed, it leaves one feeling hollow. The only thing left to do then is to forgive. And forget.” She paused a moment. “But if your injustice for Rollins is as deep as mine was for Tante Heleen, you’ll feel such immense satisfaction when it’s all over. I don’t think of that horrid woman ever now, even in my nightmares, because I’m doing my best to undo the awful things she and others like her do. I’ve done my part not just to dethrone her, but to help others that have gone through what I’ve gone through. To prevent countless others from ever experiencing it.

“And that’s part of the reason I stayed with you, Kaz. Because I know that you are capable of so much more than the stone mask you put up to protect yourself. Because I knew, even with all the pigeons you snatch, you’d do your damndest to protect innocent children like you and Jordie were. And you have. And once we’re done building our empire, you won’t think of Rollins as the one that took everything from you. You’ll see him as the man that you took everything from. You’ll see him as the pitiful old man that lit a spark in you to take over the city. Your city.”

“Our city,” Kaz replied, instinctually. He surprised himself, but it was how he felt. He couldn’t rule Ketterdam without her by his side.

“Our city.” Kaz could hear the smile in Inej’s voice.

He decided to take one more piece of armor for the night.

“I love you,” he whispered. He felt Inej’s heart skip a beat. It wasn’t that he’d never said it to her before, but the occasions that he said it first were few and far between. But he’d meant it every time.

“I love you too,” she replied hoarsely.

“Go to sleep,” Kaz said, feeling as if he’d had enough emotions for the night. Within minutes, Inej’s breathing evened out, her heart slowing, and Kaz knew that she was asleep.

As always, Inej was right, and too wise for her age. But Kaz would listen to her. They had started building their empire, a Ketterdam to be proud of; a Ketterdam that didn’t force people into slavery, a Ketterdam that didn’t swindle little children out of their meager funds. He knew realistically that he couldn’t save everyone, but they could damn well try.

He really was becoming the man Inej wanted him to be.

But his Wraith had never steered him wrong.

He fell asleep listening to her heartbeat, knowing that tomorrow, he would wake up with her by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> This Kaz is a bit OOC, but I headcannon him to get just a little softer as they get older. Well, softer for Inej, Wylan, Nina, Kuwei, and Jesper, at least. Jesper really worms his way into Kaz’s heart imo (this is just me projecting my love for Jesper onto Kaz)
> 
> This is my first fic! Please leave a kudo or comment if you liked it. thanks for reading :))))


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